Nowhere to be Found.
Friends, it has taken me some time to put this into words but I felt it appropriate to share and I wanted to try and accurately recall something which I have only a vague memory of. But before I do, my only request is to please not paint a picture of me as being something other than an ordinary human being, like millions of others, who are just trying to figure out a few things along the way in life, and come across an odd occurrence.
At the beginning of 2020, I entered a phase in life which many people might refer to as a “downward spiral” of some sort. Life, as many of you experience, throws us a series of life-challenging events at times that shake us to the core. And if we are ready, we may notice we experience phenomena like burnout, depression, discrimination, harassment (surprise surprise men get harassed, too), and these can literally pump the life out of you to the point where you hit a wall and have no way past it. This actually could be a blessing in disguise although at the time, you would think anything but! Well, like many others, I hit that wall in a fairly serious state. I recall that when looking into the eyes of my children, I held back tears because I just didn't have any energy left to be 'present'. I couldn't even get out of bed at one point.
I went to see conventional doctors who I knew would just prescribe some medication, but just for the experience I thought, why not. I refused medication against advice. I was told to try things like meditation. I did that for 20 years and it did nothing despite learning from some very “reputable” teachers. I was given all kinds of advice that was designed to 'improve' me, ‘fix me’, and so on. Nothing triggered any inspiration to try anything. I just couldn't take anything into my head anymore and that’s where people experiencing burnout and depression might relate to this.
What was blatantly obvious was that I wasn’t functioning as a human being “normally”. In 2021, I stopped reading any books (I used to read 20-30 a year). I already stopped watching TV a decade earlier but I stopped scrolling social media and talking about the pandemic, vaccines, etc. After being relatively in the very slow lane and immobile for quite some time, I felt drawn to be closer to nature. It was as if the “withdrawal process” to life as I knew it drew me into sunshine, nature, sungazing, watching sunrises, facing my palm of my hands towards the sunshine and just absorbing natural light. Gradually, my walks went from 5 minutes to 50 minutes. One of the things that came over me at the time was to grow my hair long, put it in a rishi knot and feel the sun energize through the crown chakra to the bottom of my spine on my walks. I had also stopped eaten breakfast since April 2020 as I felt that my brain needed space to heal rather than being consumed by digesting too often. I hugged and talked to trees and listened to them in the nature. I tapped into my senses more deeply as I walked barefoot on grass.
Slowly, after many months, I worked my way into a form of being that existed on this planet for a while. It’s funny how your mind puts on a face in the presence of others, even those you love.
Until that day. January 4th, 2022.
It felt like the end
So it appeared that I had not yet understood the end of my suffering. Back tied-in to a full-time job, dealing with the same systems, practices, and difficulties, and the distance between who I was and what I was doing increased, it didn’t take long to fall back into something again. One night, lying in bed, I was dreaming that I was caught in a severe thunderstorm. Running as fast as I can with lightening strikes missing me by a small margin, I managed to get inside my home and head under the table. But the lightening did not see a roof and it struck the top of my head the first time causing me to seize up. Suddenly, I was no longer dreaming but noticed my body shook, particularly my head as it felt like i was been electrocuted. I held my head tight and realized that I was not in the dream anymore. The lightening struck again, and again - I think 3 or 4 times, and I continued to shake for what seemed like an eternity. When it stopped, my whole body stopped. I couldn't speak, I could not move. My family were all sleeping upstairs. After some time of this frozen state, I passed out. It felt like the end.
Nowhere to be found
When I managed to “return” somewhat, I didn’t know if I actually returned - I literally thought I was dead. Finito. Because when I opened my eyes, all I could see was a white light all over for a short time. It would slowly fade as my eyesight returned to reveal my room. I felt no fear throughout this time but an extraordinary sense of calmness, peace. I could see, not with my eyes, but a certain clarity, the whole structure of humanity. It’s very difficult to describe except that “I” wasn’t there. There was no sense of “me” there at all. Just an incredible unconditional love. I was unusually quiet for the next few days as I just felt an abundance of energy starting to emerge, a heightened feeling of sensitivity, a compassion for life that was not based on suffering but form something unexplainable by words. What was happening here…
Everything was clear. The whole world had suddenly gone from being 'out there' to being everywhere. On my walks throughout nature, I suddenly become very sensitive of people who were not even physically close to me. I saw the pain of millions trapped in poverty, war, suicide, depression as if they were all there. I could literally hear the crying of children who had lost their parents.
The unknown boy
Then one day, as I was in the nearby park with my daughter, a small boy ran up to me. I’d never seen him before. We greeted each other, and I asked him where his parents were. He said he didn’t know where his mother was and his father was at home lying on the sofa. So I ask him if he wanted to play together with us. He would have been about 8 years old. He refused and said I just came to see you and then proceed to ask me a question. Why are grown-ups always sad, always angry and stressed? I said to him they are very confused. There was a pause before he said, you always wanted to help children, please help the grown-ups - they’ve forgotten what love is.
He ran off before I could ask how he knew that. I’ve never seen him again.
Freedom from the me
That encounter shook me for weeks. From there I started questioning why humanity is caught in web of fear, control, and mind manipulation. I dropped all of my associations with any religions, communities, politics, and philosophies, and quit my full-time job as I felt that suffering of the world. In the content of consciousness, if we can see that we are no longer part of this reality where I exist as a separate human being, the problems of the world would end in instant. If we can see the content of our consciousness and realize that one person reflects the consciousness of the world, then one person can change the content which is within them, and the whole of consciousness is affected.
Start with where you are
The belief that we are separate form the world and what we are inside is the greatest pity and illusion we live and don’t realize until we die. There is no separation! The only thing that prevents you from seeing it is not repeating the experience I had, or the seeking of it, but your ability to question what is fear without your past. Look at your own life as a mirror and observe what life reflects to you. If you stay with it and not run-away from it as you’ve been trained you will realize we don’t have to wait until you physically die to realize this. The mind can die to your content by letting go of the need of attachment, dependency and the fear that we need to hold on to anything the mind identifies itself with. Once you know how your mind stores and creates the illusion, you won’t go anywhere near it.
Art of Nothing and Non-Duality
After this experience, I managed to write a book in three days about the “Art of Nothing” which is entitled “Nothing Changes the World” to see if one could see the illusionary reality that a thousands of years of human conditioning has brought about, to end it with a sense of urgency to bring about a much needed completely new evolution of human psychology that doesn’t rely on science, philosophy, religion, or any other human-thought created systems that have stifled us for an eternity.
Forget Self Improvement
Forget self improvement activities - any activities such as meditation, affirmations, prayer and anything born of thought is manifesting and strengthening a reality that makes us violent. None of it leads to a mind that is free. Instead, look at how duality plays-out in every day life - the conflict and hardship and pain it causes in your daily life. From there, you will begin to understand how your mind is caught, and that the pure awareness of it is freedom.
Love and light
So if all goes well, the writer will keep sharing for however many years remain that peace is possible, love (unconditional meaning not definable) is possible, understanding real compassion comes when sorrow ends!
Love and light,
GC