"What if I don't wake up tomorrow?"
Early in 2022, January 3rd to be precise, I had a very interesting experience which I wouldn’t wish on anyone - as terrifying as it was, it was also incredible and has changed my life forever. However, I am not quite ready to share that yet in danger of being exploited. But having said that I am sure some will be tempted to pull the writer to pieces in time. Please feel free. What happened after that was a series of “eye-opening” experiences for which seemed so timely that I was ready to face - one which I’d like to talk about here.
One of the things that happened soon after that day is that I had a tremendous fear of falling asleep and not waking up from that sleep, ever. I am sure this is not uncommon and I have heard that is also happens to some after long periods of meditation. Now, I could simply label this as sleep anxiety or something like that, take a few pills and get some shut-eye, and deal with it again tomorrow. But for me taking any medication is a last resort as it only blankets truth. I could also opt for a nice strong alcoholic drink but obviously that has potential risks for something worse to deal with (and besides, I don’t drink).
Nope. This needed proper attention - the kind that requires the brain to remain very still to observe, which is exactly what I did to approach it. Suddenly, things became blatantly very clear. It became so obvious that the ego-self realized that it was being threatened, and in it’s defense, it had started to build a layer of protection around it’s potential disintegration. You see, I became aware of that ego-self that had me believe it was in control of my life. It was constantly defining who I was; who others were; how to decide, choose, and project my actions. It also had me forever seeking security through attachment, identifying itself with as much as it could in order to define a “me”.
When you start to become aware of the false entity of the ego-self, you can see it starts to worry itself and tries to deceive you with all kinds of mind games. In my case, it became so afraid of death of it’s own existence, it was telling me that if I fall asleep, I would be gone forever. And my dear friends, that was all the insight I needed. The moment I let go of that attachment of the need to live - in this case, keep, and hold on to “my” knowledge, “my” images, “my” family, it ended. I gave-up the fact that I actually may not wake-up the next morning, and that’s okay. I let go of the belief that I needed to support my family; that I needed to have a “legacy”; that I needed to change the world; go to work; do this and that.
Perhaps the deepest one to let go of was that the ego-self was so desperately warning me about “losing” my wife and kids. But I realize that none of them are “mine” to begin with. I don’t possess them -if I did that would be attachment. I don’t control them - control is not freedom. In this understanding, I realized that these could NEVER mean love: Attachment; control; any image of have of them cannot be love. I was overcome by a tremendous sense of sadness for a moment, realizing that what I thought was love was not love at all. It’s an incredible insight to realize. The ego-self is so deceptive, yet so innocently child-like in many ways. Seeing through this, all the anxieties and all the fear dissipated and I was overwhelmed with an unexplainable feeling, as if overwhelmed by a bright light, but not visually. It was rather more of a listening. I could feel the pain and anguish of people across the entire world that night as I fell into the indescribable; the unknown - the nothing without even an ounce of seeking or motivation.
The problem, what was it? Oh that’s right - fear. You see it’s like this: What if I don’t wake up tomorrow? Then I don’t wake up. Finished.
Love and light,
Gab Ciminelli