Is your idea of relationship hindering love?

What do we mean by relationship? Relationship here meaning the alignment between you and me, or you and another. Together, we create society. That society in which we live is not separate from you and I. In your own teams, the relationship you have with another creates the team, the organization, the society.

In this article, we are questioning what relationships are based on. This is such a critical topic because we are not just talking about the relationship of having a partner, or a girlfriend or boyfriend. We are talking about your relationships with your parents, friends, teachers, managers, neighbor - romantic or non-romantic. And we are questioning the quality of your relationships - in fact, the truth of your relationships. Are they based on personal self-interests and self-gratification? If I do not please you, you get angry with me, put pressure on me, control me, and eventually get rid of me. And, if I do manage to please you, I am accepted and things are wonderful.

Trust, appreciation, flexibility, respect - all these marvelous values, whether one has learned them from one’s own parents, siblings, or friends, are wonderful qualities of a relationship. In the case of a romantic pursuit, comes the value of intimacy and love. But the fact is, in any relationship, what actually takes place is a somewhat illusionary seeking of some kind. That is, most of us approach any conversation, any relationship with another person with the idea of feeling good and safe. And if that person has entirely different views, it is unlikely you will be spending much time with them. This is a simple fact: you as an individual is always seeking a sense of security. And we are also seeking to fulfil our own self needs and desires, as well as trying to please another human based on their needs. This is how we build relationships. But these needs: the need for security and the need to please both the self and another are breeding grounds for more uncertainty. When security becomes compromised, whether in a state of a 1-to-1 relationship, or the security of the nation, you will become jealous, possessive, violent, controlling, etc. How can a relationship, built on the seeking of security contain love? Let’s look into this.

So I am questioning: how am I to have a relationship with you. We sit down over a coffee at a nice country-side café, or by a beautiful lake. Now, is it possible to speak and talk about worldly matters together in such a way that we can be free of images? That is, you sit down on one side of the table and order your coffee or tea, and I sit down at the table and order my coffee or tea. You bring with your coffee a body and a mind, as do I. In your mind, you carry your own opinions, ideals, values, beliefs, knowledge, experiences - as do I. You speak and listen with all that you are. You project your thinking through it: your choice of words and gestures - all learned and stored in your memory. Thought fetches from that memory and reconstructs a pattern through which you communicate to me - as do to you.

Now, do we have any relationship?

I say your opinion on the leader of a certain country is wrong, based on my own knowledge, views, beliefs, etc. You turn around and say the other leader is wrong. I tell you I am not sending my children to school based on my belief that school is a terrible place. You turn around and say I’m a terrible parent. Or, you say that our manager is too naïve and I agree with you.

What is the relationship between you and me in all of these cases? Is there are relationship when we agree on something and the moment we disagree, it dissipates? In that case, is there one at all? Even in agreement there is separation. All that you are, all that I am - is it defined by our own knowledge, experience, beliefs, values, etc? And as such, what is the engine processing it all? Is there a separate “me” that is constantly creating personas - persona about who I am; a persona about who you are or my wife is. If there really is a separate “me”, it’s doing everything possible it seems to keep us apart!

To agree to one ideal or another is a binding to belief. It may be the same belief, but the belief is a construct of the self - the “me”. And belief is the most dangerous binding of all as it enables your brain to put up a layer of protection that prevents any relationship.

Can there be any relationship when a couple, even though they hold hands and hug each other but are completely engulfed in their own thoughts and worries? Have you ever been in a group and felt alone? You could ask: can there be any relationship with the flower, the tree, the sky, a beautiful sunrise? You can stare at the beauty of a sunrise but you won’t see it because you are trapped in thoughts about work, or your phone is constantly buzzing with messages. And also, can there be a relationship even if you come into the conversation without any interreference of those personas and images?

As long as each of us comes into the conversation with our own concerns, desires, opinions, all the beliefs they carry in own minds, can your heart and my heart every hold hands? It seems to me the relationships we hold dear are none-other that you constructing a persona, and image of the other person, and communicating through/to that image. This is just a mind trick having you believe your relationship is real when it’s none-other than a self-created picture. And you carry in that persona an identification of a country, things you like, traditions, belief systems, rules on morality. In fact, you are encouraging more separation, more loneliness. Loneliness is another mind game - it rises from dependency. Can you be aware of what creates that dependency? And isn’t that dependency self-centered? I tell you I love you and I need you. Those are based on my needs. And you probably feel good to be wanted, accepted so you play along with it. But that dependency on you and yours on mind is breeding grounds for loneliness.

So is it possible to put away the personas so that we can put away all current understanding of harmony and love. If that persona is being built by the “me”, then what is truth? Truth is surely not embedded in a persona that the me is creating - if you assume this to be true then we have 8 billion people claiming to be the truth! And the fact is, these personas, these images are how we are all creating the illusionary society we live in. Go into this: my country… the me is a self-generated image that is so deeply ingrained in human psychology that the very belief of it is preventing you from seeing truth, relationship, real connectedness.

So does love exist in your relationship with another; with society; with nature; with the world? Sure, we can talk about love, trust, empathy, kindness but there cannot be love when our relationships are based on self-seeking (my needs balanced with your needs); self-gratification. Look around and see how relationships in the world look - the way people treat women, what we do to our children, how our neighbors interact (if they interact at all), our friends. Is there really any love? Everyone is pursuing their own interests, their own concerns, their own paths, their own purposes. If you have come to the point where you see this as a fact, then ask, what is the purpose of having a relationship at all? As I sit here talking with you, ask yourself: am I alert enough - conscious of my own reactions in this relationship?

If you do really love another, then you will find there is absolutely, without fail, no friction between you and me. There is not a separate me and a separate you - those were the images/personas we created. There is a sense of unity, openness, freedom to be and that freedom is universal between you and me. It is not a sense of love that is important but the importance of love acting in communion.

So, if you can be aware of what is creating the barrier between you and another person, you and the flower, you and the tree; that you can see you in yourself that you are not separate from the illusion you created, then you will see there is no separation between you and the flower.

Love and light
GC